


In which Dave and John confront John's repressed sexual feelings, or lack thereof

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Aromantic Asexual John, Asexual Character, Feelings Jams, Gen, POV Second Person, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-03
Updated: 2015-07-03
Packaged: 2018-04-07 11:56:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4262409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A oneshot written for a kink meme prompt, which was for ace/aro John. Takes place directly after the <a href="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=009387">5/1/15</a> update.</p>
    </blockquote>





	In which Dave and John confront John's repressed sexual feelings, or lack thereof

**Author's Note:**

> A oneshot written for a kink meme prompt, which was for ace/aro John. Takes place directly after the [5/1/15](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=009387) update.

It’s barely past your thirteenth birthday and you are already a raging bundle of hormones. Popping boners left and right, as the average teenage boy does (if what you read on the internet is true). It’s a little unnerving at times, like your body is betraying you somehow, and you feel too guilty to do anything about it thus far. 

You start to see your friends connecting with others in ways you can’t relate to. You feel broken, and that’s such a cliche thing to think, but you feel it nonetheless. You’re interested in learning everything there is to know about the mechanics of sex as much as the next young teen—even watch porn because you’re curious and you’re mysteriously enthralled by it—but it doesn’t turn you on. 

Of course you don’t tell Dave about your concerns. You aren’t masochistic. But the fact that you don’t trust your best friend makes you feel awful; you fear you might the only one with this issue. Maybe your adolescent brain isn’t as far advanced as the rest of your body. Maybe it will be, soon. 

You dream of growing up, kissing a lot of girls, and marry one someday. You have this idea in your head that it will be just like in the movies with a picket fence and two kids that you suddenly know how to take care of for some reason. That’s how it’ll go down, and maybe that’s why you’re so attracted to Vriska when you meet in person. She’s brave, beautiful, and you enjoy her company and just talking to her. You kiss her, but despite all the pent up energy you thought you had, you feel no longing, no lust, no overwhelming feeling of love that makes you want to stand on a mountain and sing praises to the cosmos. 

You kiss her a couple more times after that (because that’s a part of dating, isn’t it?) and it’s not bad or anything. It’s nice, actually, but nothing more. 

The thought that maybe you’re gay creeps into your head once or twice, but the possibility scares you and you don’t know why. Sex with girls seems so unappealing, and sex with guys just seems terrifying. 

Sometimes you think about kissing Dave, just to see what it’s like. You dare to entertain the thought, just once. The pretend Dave in your head is suddenly really eager to make out with you, among other things, and you work yourself to orgasm for the first time. You feel sick immediately after, and try your best to avoid Dave for days until things return to normal. It’s a secret you will take with you to the grave. 

Years later, your feelings about sex and romance haven’t changed. You can’t help feeling a little sad when you find out that Dave and Karkat are dating, or whatever the troll-human equivalent of that is. You feel empty, and twisted, and you say a ton of dumb stuff about how weird it is that Dave is gay now, and wow, don’t you feel stupid. 

Dave is more normal than you’ve ever been; at least he can have a relationship with someone and not feel totally out of his element for reasons he doesn’t understand. 

Later, you catch Dave alone. You sit down beside him but you’re looking straight ahead and hugging your knees. He’s quiet, like he’s waiting for you to say the first word. 

“I’m sorry, Dave,” you start awkwardly, “About before. It was totally uncool of me to say all that stuff about how you being gay is weird. I mean, it kinda is shocking because you always seemed to me like a real lady killer!”

“Were you listening to any of that or were you too busy being marveling at how gay I am now?” Dave’s voice sounds cold; his words sting—a reflection of how you made him feel before, probably. 

“Um, should I go?” You almost stutter and try to push yourself to your feet, but Dave snags the long end of your hood under his heel, and you fall back on your butt. 

“Sit down, bro,” he says, “You wanted to talk about it, so let’s put it all on the fucking table and talk about it.” 

“Okay, but it’s more of a personal thing, about me, um, personally. Not to sound like I only want to talk about me—”

“Nah, it’s cool. I shouldn’t have blurted out the thing about you being in denial in front of everyone but maybe you’re even more transparent about whatever you got going on than I was.”

“So...how did you find out you like to, um, kiss boys?” you hear the words spill out of your dumb mouth before you can stop them. 

“Pfft, that’s an easy one. One day me and Karkat were drawing dicks and our hands touched and boom, that’s when I had this fucking spiritual epiphany and transformed.” He makes gesture with his hands, indicating an explosion. 

You roll your eyes, but his biting sarcasm is just a fraction of what you deserve. 

“But no, really,” Dave continues, “It’s not a thing you suddenly realize but more like a gradual coming to terms with yourself.” 

You swallow, hard. “Do you think...I might be gay? And I just haven’t realized it yet?”

“How the fuck should I know? Have you ever kissed a guy or entertained the idea that you might want to because I can call Karkat over here right now and we can have a sloppy makeout threeway of self-revelation if you want me to, I’m down for anything.” 

“Dave, no! I mean, you guys are dating! That would be so weird!” 

“Again with the weird stuff, c’mon John stop being such a prude. Nothin’ weird about kissing a mutual friend to help him figure some shit out. I’m sure Karkat won’t oppose to it.” 

“No!!!!! I don’t want to kiss anyone, okay? But maybe, maybe I want to want to kiss someone. But that doesn’t make any fucking sense!!!”

“It kinda does, though. There’s more to romance and sexuality than just straight and gay. I dunno if that’s news to you but it’s pretty fucking important if you’re on the fence about it.” 

“So what’s the alternative, then? If I’m not either of those things then am I stuck in like, gay limbo?” 

Dave cracks a smile about that. You’re not sure if he thinks you’re being serious or not. You’re not even sure of that yourself. _Gay limbo? Come on, Egbert, get your head in the game!!!_

“Oh my god, Egbert,” Dave says, mirroring your thoughts once he regains his composure, “If you were any more dense we’d all get sucked into the supermassive black hole that is your insecurities. Look, I’m no expert on human sexuality; in fact I probably know more about troll romance because it’s been served to me on an academic fucking platter but I guess I’m saying that there’s gotta be like infinite ways you can relate to people on a romantic or sexual or platonic level. I don’t know what defines what, probably because I’ve spent the past three years cramped up with a few trolls and one girl who is basically a walking textbook on quadrants now.”

“I think...when I arrived, I was so happy to see everyone and don’t get me wrong, am I really excited! But then I find out all my friends are dating and the worst part is that I don’t even know how to feel about it!!!”

“Okay how about instead of throwing a tantrum about it, just hear me out. This is either going to be the lamest or wisest thing I’ve ever said—are you ready for this, Egbert? You know how time isn’t linear? Neither is sexuality. You know me and Terezi? That wasn’t a ‘phase’ or the point when I realized I don’t like chicks; it was totally legit and maybe if I wasn’t gettin’ down and dirty with Karkat—” You glare at him with your best ‘too much information’ face “—Then maybe I’d go for, fuck I don’t know, I guess Vriska is the only option if I didn’t wanna get my ass kicked or mack on a sleeping girl or a corpse, and even then she’s pretty out of my league or anyone else’s for that matter. I have a better chance with the mayor, but I think he might be asexual.” 

“Asexual?” you echo back, like it’s the most important thing you get out of it.

“Yeah, like, you find people attractive but maybe you don’t wanna bump bulges with them. Or maybe you’ll find like one person you’ll want to meet halfway with. I dunno but I guess you could ask the mayor about it.”

“I will do that, Dave. But now that I think about it,” and you have thought about it, “I’ve never had sexual feelings for anyone. Not even romantic feelings! At least, I don’t think so, unless crushes on TV characters count? The confusing thing is that I want to like girls, or um, people, but maybe not in that way? I liked Vriska a lot, at least the ghost Vriska since I don’t know the alive Vriska very well, but I didn’t feel anything when I kissed her.” 

You decide to omit the part about kissing Jade. Which is something you did, or rather she kissed you and you went along with it. It might have been cabin fever that made you do it, but she had just broken up with Davesprite and there’s some unwritten law about not kissing the ghostly prototype of your best friend’s ex-girlfriend, who is also sort of but not really your sister. 

You look downwards, feeling like a huge dork confessing all of this at once. Dave has matured a lot. Your head is swimming, you’re fatigued from your journey and emotionally drained, but you take comfort in Dave’s willingness to talk about the heavy stuff and you feel bad for ever doubting him. 

“You’d think of all the things we have to worry about right now, my dumb feelings are what’s bothering me the most.” 

“Okay, I’ll give you that since Jack times three is on their way to fuck our shit up, but here’s only so much you can repress before it all spills out and kicks your ass to the farthest ring of the universe.”

“It’s funny,” you laugh, a little earnest chuckle, “When you put it that way. We have all these neat super powers and here I am, focused on what probably isn’t that big of a deal.”

“The responsibility to take down Jack isn’t more or less important than self-discovery, John.”

Those words make an impact, bring you closure in new ways, much different from the equally important, righteous butt-kicking you’ve done. 

“Thanks, Dave,” you say quietly, leaning in for a hug without thinking. He snorts and hugs you back, earnestly, and suddenly you don’t feel so self-conscious about sharing your personal space. 

You have a game to win, friends who support you, and a lot of thinking to do. 

“Anytime, John,” his voice is muffled by the fabric of your hood. When you finally release him, he looks you in the eye, tipping his shades down just enough for you to see his, too. “I really do mean that.”


End file.
